When will I love You?

If I can love you now, maybe I will. Or maybe not. I’m not so sure about that part. But what I’m sure about is that I can’t love you now.

Well, you may ask why, I guess. It’s the only thing I can give you…

Well, this is why. I’m happy in what I’m doing now. You see, I heard about the girls in school who loves You. And I tell you—they are boring people. Never goes to wild parties, never drinks even a shot of martini (which, I’m telling You, is a big no-no for me) they always go to church every Sunday (what is it about the church anyway? Okay, I give it to You that there are some cuties there, but I say they are gay! There never date, for Pete’s sake!) and they always talk about some creep from that book with tiny letters—I hate reading, by the way!—creeps like whatshisname…ah, King Daniel? Or, whatever. In short, they are boring, I’m telling You! If I have to live that way when I love You, first, I’m going to die in boredom—then because of more boredom! Ha-ha!

Anyway, why do You have to require such stupid things like that? Dude, we’re in the modern world! This is freedom to the fullest! Have You never heard about the women liberation of the 70’s? Oh well, I guess You did, huh? They say You’re the great Know-it-all.

Okay, let’s say because of the 70’s AIDS became prevalent and such, drugs here and there…but hey, it’s part of the democracy, man! Everybody does it! Although I sure don’t like dope. Makes me super-dizzy I feel my brain cells can’t hold it together anymore. Ha-ha!

Back to the question. Why can’t You let Your people enjoy their freedom, anyway? This is not a communist country, hello? Besides, don’t You know that the taste of the forbidden is sweet? Yes. Sweet.

I remember that first time when I gave myself to my first boyfriend when I was fifteen. (Okay, I admit it, I started out old for today’s standard.) That, I’m telling You, is super sweet! After that first time, I knew my mom and dad were withholding something good from me when they told me I should wait after marriage. Well, hello? After marriage?! That would still be ages from now! I was twelve when they started lecturing me about purity and waiting (in vain, I might add!) and three years later, I knew they were deceiving me. How could they, right? I’m their only child and they try to take my happiness even at such an early age! Now, at nineteen, I’m proud to say that I’m as independent as I can be! I have my own house (I bought it myself a year ago after I received my first salary! I guess You know that too, huh?) I have my Ph.D. at nineteen, I’m a very sought-after geologist, and I’m currently in love with the greatest man in the whole world!

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and dad. I visit them every week in our family house. All I’m saying is that they shouldn’t have told me something as unrealistic as that waiting thing. Is that wrong?

Anyway, I’m pleased to inform You that I feel very complete as of now. So I’m really not positive when it comes to what You are asking from me. You are asking me to give up my whole life, dude! Isn’t that a bit too harsh? And yes, I know what it means to be harsh. I did that once too. To my precious child.

I know it’s wrong, I admit it. But what can a sixteen year-old do? Even though I was blessed with a very intellectual mind, I was still a child away from home. I never told them, You see. How can I? My parents are religious folks, I was sure they will disinherit me. Besides, Eric wanted the baby out of the way, what can I do? I was so in love with him then! But hey, I cried for a whole year after that! Maybe that drove him away in the end. And I cried then, too! What a cry-baby!

After that, I was the one who experienced harshness. (Payback time, I guess.) I was grieving, and I was still broken hearted, and yet my new fool of a boyfriend packed me to a dope night-out even though I said I hate the thing! And what’s worse! They were so high that they forgot I’m a human—and a girl of sixteen at that—that they even abused and violated me! Even now, remembering it—that scum! May he rot in hell together with his evil cronies! Good thing I had the guts to stand up to them and take them to court—and eventually to the penitentiary where they are now!

But that’s all in the past now. My doctor friend assured me that I’ll be able to get pregnant again if I want to. Do I? Well, if Nate wants a baby, then I guess I’d love another babe again. So You see why I can’t give it all up? My life is at its peak as of now. I’m happy. I am very happy!

Well, except in the days when Nate gets very irritable and jealous and insecure, that is. I really hate those times! How can he tell me I’m a stupid woman when I’m the one who finished college at 15? My gosh, he’s still in graduate school! Maybe having a smarter woman irks a man’s ego doesn’t it, eh? I’ve never heard otherwise.

Other than those times, I’m very well content. Though I admit there sure are bouts of depression every now and then. I’m still human.

But honestly, You know, ever since Ellie made me go to that so called Bible study, I couldn’t help but think about why I shouldn’t love You, or why I should. I must be hallucinating! Look at me! Writing to myself again. Even though I say I don’t like reading, it’s because I like writing better. And I feel like a fool talking to someone as invisible and as intangible as You!

Are you true anyway?

You see, ever since I was a little kid, I’ve already been hearing about You from my parents. I was a church kid, but my heart was never in it so until now, I’m still not sure if You’re true or not. Will I ever know? In my field, it’s always “to see is to believe.” That is how it always works. That’s how I get paid handsomely. Now that I think about it, I’m intelligent, I’m rich, and I’m young, yet I talk to an imaginary being. I wonder why.

So, will You ever answer me? If I’ll ask You, when would You want me to love You? I guess I can make do with going to church—Ellie really bugs me about it. It’s irritating!—since it’s Sunday and all, but about the other more boring stuffs, can I go without that? Special treatment for a genius? Ha-ha! If Nate ever read this, I’m sure he’s going to rave about proving me nuts! Ha-ha!

I just remembered—well, I’m not sure if You can really answer and all, but if my child lived, he’ll be almost four now…is he, or she, happy where he is now? I sure do wonder about that every once in a while. Eric told me then that it was just all a clot of blood, it being barely two months and all, but—I wish I had the chance to hold him in my arms. I wanted to have a baby boy, You see, since I’m an only child. I guess I still have to wait if Nate wants one, huh? How—how sad.

But never mind, I am happy—why am I depressing myself like this? I shouldn’t even be talking to You like this! Maybe my brain cells are indeed deteriorating as he says!

I—what’s it like to be really loved? Those boring girls keep on saying that they are so happy and so in love with You. Do You ever feel like I do now? Not that I’m complaining, but Nate, even though he’s such a wonderful person, there are times when I just can’t relate with him. There are even those guilty times when I feel like I feel nothing at all towards him.

I’ve been through thirty eight guys, and yet I sometimes feel like I’ve never glowed the way those boring girls glow when they talk about You, or those phony characters they talk about. Is the love they feel different from what I usually feel? I admit I’m a sucker for falling head-over-heels in love despite all my brains and guts, but—however is my love different from theirs?

Do you ever call them stupid when they irritate You? Do they ever get jealous of Your being a know-it-all? Do you ever call them flirts when they happen to notice another guy? What is different?! How is it that I know there is is something different and yet can’t pinpoint what?!

If I love You like they do, will I know the difference? Will Nate stop calling me a whore or a bitch when I praise another man’s attributes? Will I stop feeling empty despite all my happiness? Will I really be complete? How can I be complete when I am complete now?! I have everything!

How can I be complete when You want me to give-up everything I have? For many years, I’ve pulled myself from mud to mud and now I have it all—how can You take it all away just for love?

Even in my young age, I feel like I’ve already experienced every pain and suffering there is! I’ve been abused, I’ve been raped, I’ve had an abortion, I’ve been dumped again and again, I have no real friends because they think I’m the resident jimmy neutron-freak (well, maybe Ellie counts as a close girl companion—I’m not really sure what she thinks towards me), I have been estranged from my parents emotionally, I’ve been in a lot of accidents that I wonder what I am doing here alive—all I have is what I have now! Nate, my overflowing savings, myself, my work! And You want me to leave it all just to love You!

Even if I wanted to love You, I can’t love You now! I’m already happy now after all the years of tears!

So please, spare me. Just let me love You by going to church? Please? I can’t love You now the way You want me to. I’m—I’m—I’m alone.

Aneshka Halley Rains

(Rozie Sto. Domingo)